Written by Brian van Vliet - February 1, 2009 (As Seen In Hockey Now)
There is nothing more entertaining than analyzing hockey parents at rinks across the city. Moms and Dads included, they range anywhere from passive to insane. Most of you should be able to place yourself in three or more of these categories.
Bruce Almighty – You’ve all seen these guys. They are the ones who volunteer for positions in the hockey community at the team or board level and talk just loud enough at the rink so that everyone knows how important they are. They usually have fancy titles attached to their names that they thought up themselves. The rest of the parents are supposed to be dazzled and amazed at their abundance of talent. The biggest problem with these types is that they are not volunteering for the betterment of the league or their child. They do it to make themselves look and feel important.
Nouveau Rich – Everyone has run across these people. They’ve come into a bit of money and we are all going to hear about it. These parents will fly their player around the world for tryouts even if local teams are interested in their kid. They may offer to write an extra cheque or two in order to ensure that little Johnny makes the team. Come on now, you know who you are.
“Do ya have a minute?” – These parents (usually Dads) will stop the coaches after every game and practice. They’ll linger outside the dressing room and when the coach comes out, the parent will drop the famous “Do ya have a minute?” line. They will then proceed to tell the coach about everything he did wrong on the bench and why he made their kid look bad. They’ll tell him how he should reset the lines and what drills he needs to run next practice. By the end of the year, the coach will have found a back exit to the arena with a getaway car waiting so he can avoid these parents.
Slurpee/Coffee throwers – I love this type because I’m one of them. They are so intense when they watch their kids play that if something goes wrong and they happen to be holding a coffee(or even better) a green slurpee, chances are that it will go flying against the arena wall. You can usually expect that action to be followed by a loud F-bomb and the nearest garbage container kicked over.
Newspaper Reader /Chatterbox – These parents bring their kids to practice and then proceed to open the newspaper and never look up to see what is going on. If they forget the paper, they will incessantly talk your ear off the whole practice. When they come to a game they have to ask someone else what the final score was. There is a spot in the world for these kinds of people; it’s called a book club.
Twilight Zone – These guys are so clued out about the reality of what is going on, that you would swear they are from the Twilight Zone. When describing their kid, they will use words like phenomenal and dominant when in reality; the team is stronger when they don’t show up.
Dr. Jekyll and MRS. Hyde – These Hockey Moms volunteer, hold socials at their homes, bake cookies for the coach and then turn into belligerent, raging lunatics should anything happen to their little prince on the ice.
Insert Nose Here – These people follow the coach around, buy him gifts, wash his car, clean his yard and do his laundry. Most would pay to see these parents’ faces when the aforementioned coach ends up cutting their kid from the team anyways.
Goalie Dads – We goalie dads are so messed up, I thought it was necessary to make a separate category. We stand by ourselves during games, want our kid to play every game, believe only the saves our son makes are difficult and think everyone else around us is insane. At the end of the game, goalie dads will say their son faced 113 shots in a 45 minute game.
Ted Bundy - These people are usually good looking, well dressed and have perfect smiles. They will greet you with a handshake and some complimentary words. As soon as you turn your back, they will cut you to pieces to the next person they talk to.
Agree or disagree, I’m off the goalpost.
